Thursday, September 1, 2016

The Accident. And an update.

We've been a little quiet this week and I've really gone back and forth on whether I should share about our week or not.  Writing is so therapeutic for me.  I often write about things and never hit publish, sometimes it's just my way of getting something off of my chest and allowing myself to move on.  I needed to get all of this out, but I'm still not sure I'll keep this post up.  I struggle with how much is appropriate to share, never wanting to overexpose my children.

The girls and I had a really hard day on Monday.  We had an incident at the pool that really shook me up.  I just couldn't snap out of it, I cried most of the day on Tuesday.  When I put the girls down for nap, I hopped in the shower and tried to restart.  I made myself an iced coffee and sat quietly trying to pull myself together.  By the time the girls woke up, I felt so much better and knew that some fresh air would do us good.  I asked Sloan what she wanted to do and she said she wanted to walk to the park with the swings which is less than a mile from our house.  I made the girls a quick snack and threw them into the double stroller.

We were about half way to the park when I stopped to cross the street.  There was a car coming towards the street we were crossing so I did a little wave to make sure that he saw us (even though he was pulling up to a stop sign and we had the right of way).  He was slowing down to stop at the stop sign so I started walking across the street.  I was looking straight ahead when the driver accelerated and drove his lifted jeep straight into the stroller.

I was trying to pull the stroller back as hard as I could, but he had hit it so hard that one of the wheels had broken off and the frame of the stroller had cracked and was folding in on itself.  I was screaming and pulling and he just kept pushing the stroller forward.  The car pushed us pretty far into the street and then the stroller started falling onto it's side and going under the car.  I tried to hold the stroller up with one hand and started hitting the hood of his car (which was as tall as me) and screaming for the driver to stop.  The driver finally saw a hand in the air and stopped the jeep.  Apparently his jeep was lifted so high, he couldn't see us and just kept accelerating.  It all happened so quickly, but at the same time it felt like he was ramming into the stroller for so long. I honestly don't know how he didn't just run them over.  Through screaming and pulling, I remember thinking, "My children are going to die.  They're going to be run over.  I'm going to watch them die."  That may sound dramatic and that is not my intention.  I really believed they were going to die.  He just kept ramming us and I saw the stroller being sucked under his car.  By the Grace of God, my children are alive.

When he finally stopped and got out of his car and saw us, I screamed, "BACK YOUR FUCKING CAR OFF OF MY KIDS."  The man looked panicked and backed his jeep up as fast as he could.  I drug the broken stroller back onto the sidewalk and pulled Sloan's awning back so that I could see her.  Sloan was already screaming so I unbuckled her and pulled her out first.  As I was holding her, I pulled Phayre's awning back and the moment she locked eyes with me she started screaming and hyperventilating.  I have never seen panic like I saw in Phayre's eyes.  I can't get her little face out of my head.  As I was trying to unbuckle Phayre, the man ran up and tried to help me.  I just remember screaming at him to not fucking touch my kids.  I sat on the sidewalk, hugging both girls, and thanking God that they were both alive and (seemingly) ok.

The man felt awful, he was just distracted and never looked to his right.  He looked left and saw that he could merge into traffic so he blew through the stop sign.  He called 911 and an ambulance was there within minutes.  Paramedics looked the girls over and said that they looked fine, but that we should definitely have them evaluated to be safe.  They also gave me the option of driving the girls to the hospital myself instead of riding in the ambulance.  I didn't want to make the situation more traumatic so I chose to drive them there myself.  A police officer came and made a report of the incident and eventually Eric came to pick us up and drive us to the hospital.

A doctor looked all of us over and by some miracle, Sloan walked away with a scratch on her face and Phayre had a bloody lip.  I was never hit by the car, but hurt my hip and back trying so hard to pull the stroller back.  I just can't understand how they're ok, how they aren't dead.  I truly believed in that moment that my children were going to die and I can't shake the feeling.  I can hardly catch my breath at times, I have so much anxiety inside of me.  I feel fearful and helpless.  Am I really equipped to keep these little girls safe?

Eric took the rest of the week off and has been doing pretty much everything for all three of us.  I am so thankful for my incredible husband.  Sloan has been sleeping in our bed at night and having some nightmares.  She just starts screaming, "NOOOOO NOOOOO NOOOOOOOO" in her sleep.  She is also very confused and angry, throwing massive screaming fits.  It's so unlike her and I don't know how to help her process all of this.  We're working on it, I just know it's going to take some time.

Sloan keeps reliving it and says, "Mama, he just crashed into me and he wouldn't stop.  I was so scared mama and I just screamed and I screamed, but he wouldn't stop."  I lose my breath every time she brings it up, I just want to take it all away.  All of the fear and confusion and anger.

I know that this situation was out of my control and really a freak accident, but I am honestly too fearful to leave my house.  I just want my daughters to be safe and I am so aware of how many things are out of my control and could hurt them.  My anxiety is through the roof right now, but I'm working so hard to control it and just focus on the girls.  I'm praying that time will help us all move on and that these traumatic memories will fade away quickly.  If praying is your thing, I ask you to please pray that these memories will fade for us, mostly for Sloan.  And squeeze your babies.  Just squeeze them and kiss them and never let them go.  Life really is precious.

I am so thankful that all three of us are ok and I know that we'll get back to normal soon.  It is not lost on me how much worse this week could have been, we are very very lucky.  I am also so thankful for our loved ones who have reached out this week, sent flowers and gifts, and prayed so so much for us.  I appreciate these gestures more than you'll ever know.

Xo

Marisa


Update // 9/3/16

I am so humbled by the outpouring of love and support that we have received since I posted this a few days ago.  I feel wrapped up in so much love and prayer and it really has helped lift my spirits and calm my anxiety.  I am just so appreciative.  I don't think I'll ever be able to fully express my gratitude to friends, family members, and complete strangers who have taken the time to reach out and pray for my family.

So a little update...  I am still dealing with my anxiety, but it gets a little easier each day.  I have gone from feeling completely helpless and fearful, to feeling so incredibly lucky and thankful.  I still can't believe my children are alive and unharmed.  We finally got out of the house yesterday and when we first left I felt like a nervous wreck.  So many cars and people and ways for my children to get hurt.  My hands were sweaty and I felt my heart thumping in my chest.  After awhile, we started joking and laughing and eventually we just felt like "us".  It was so nice to feel normal for a little bit.  I know in my heart that life will get back to normal quickly, the memories will fade and we will all be ok.

Sloan is having a really hard time processing everything.  I'm most worried about her.  She talks about the accident less each day, but she just isn't herself.  She's full of so much anger and confusion, which leads to huge screaming tantrums.  Her emotions are all over the place (more than the already bipolar threenager) and when something sets her off she lashes out.  She starts yelling the meanest things she can think to say, usually things she's heard adults say and they don't even make sense.  Eric and I are trying to be as patient as possible and help her work through these feelings, but I'm not going to lie... it's so hard.  It's so hard to see your usually sweet child act that way.  I know it's just something that we have to work through, but it just sucks.  It really really sucks.  Sloan isn't waking up at night anymore though and is sleeping in her bed again.  So progress!  Things are getting better for her and I am thankful for that.

Phayre is pretty much just Phayre!  I've never been more thankful for a quickly forgetting one year old mind.  Phayre is happy and silly and into EVERYTHING.  She is so much more curious than Sloan ever was.  She's also a climber, so that's been fun.  P has been a little more clingy with me than normal, but I honestly just think she just senses that something has been off.

So all of that just to tell you that things are looking up for the Brown girls.  We are healing and I am determined to get our life back on track.  We are so incredibly lucky and I am so thankful.

And a few photos from yesterday, because we walked past my favorite pink wall and seeing these two sweet girls of mine smile is like THE BEST THING EVER.





Thank you all again.  Thank you for caring about my family and for sending so many hugs, positive thoughts, and prayers.  I am eternally grateful.

Xo

Marisa

23 comments :

  1. I'm crying reading this! That is such a scary situation, a lady slowly backed into autumn when she was younger and I kicked her car so hard I dented it. The memories will fade and your girls are alive and healthy still, just keep that in mind. I'll keep you all in our thoughts and I hope your weekend is better ❤️😘

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    1. Thank you so much for reaching out Laken, it really means so much!!! Xo, M

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  2. Oh sweet love, I'm sobbing reading this. First all your feelings are totally valid and I am sending you all so much love and light. I am glad your all ok and I know that processing something like this can be incredibly hard, if it's not over stepping I would suggest talking to someone for yourself and for your girls. They might have some suggestions on how to process it best for them and aid in the healing process. I will be thinking of you guys and thank you for sharing. <3

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out, it means so much! And we are working on that in hopes of helping everyone process all of this. Thank you so much again!

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  3. Reading this broke my heart. I am so sorry you & your girls had to experience thjs. I'll be praying for you & your family, especially little Sloan, poor little girl �� I had lumps in my throat as I read this. So sorry Mama �� I hope these memories fade away quickly ��

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    1. Thank you so much Lisa, it means so much to me. You're so very kind, thank you so much for your prayers. M

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  4. Goosebumps and tears as I'm reading this. I am so sorry you and the girls had to experience this but I'm thankful you are all okay! I have no suggestions on how to help you or the girls get through this but I will most definitely be praying for you all �� -Lauren

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    1. Thank you so much Lauren. You are always so supportive of me and my family, I appreciate you so much. XoXo, M

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  5. Oh my gosh, please take my thoughts, prayers, & love! This brings me to tears! I can vaguely relate to how you feel, but by no means understand how you're feeling. Two weeks ago my husband and 10 mo. old daughter were rear ended at a stoplight. They were stopped on a highway & the driver was going 55 mph. The impact was so hard it totaled our Lincoln Navigator. I was in my best friends wedding while this all happened and they were heading to the wedding. When the music started playing for us to walk down the isle my sister walked past crying & told me they were in an accident, but were both okay. I had to decide whether or not to walk out of the church & ditch my best friend ruining the day of her wedding, or leave to be with my family. I was SO torn. I held on to the words "everyone is okay" and walked down the isle praying I made the right decision. As the ceremony was about to end, my mother, her husband, my husband, & daughter walked into the church. I wept in such relief. For that evening we had arrangements for my husbands parents to pick up our daughter and take her home so we could enjoy the evening. But after the tragic day, I wouldn't let my baby leave my sight. I was a wreck. I couldn't stop crying all day. I felt like it was somehow my fault and like I somehow should've been there to prevent it from happening. My husband felt worse. It seemed like the world was against us, like our lives were forever changed. But here we are, two weeks later and we've somehow survived. My daughter had seatbelt burns across her neck and bruises on her chest. Everytime I saw those the pain came rushing back. But those too have healed. Things are normal now. And we've [for the most part] forgotten about it. Luckily for all of us, life keeps moving. We get stronger from events like this. We cherish & adore our babies more from these tragedies. We squeeze our families closer. We form stronger bonds. We realize our truest blessings. I am praying for you, Sloan, Phayre, and Eric. Things will slowly get easier. Keep being the strong, loving momma you always are. That's what your kids will remember day in & day out, not this accident. And always remember, "this too shall pass." Xoxoxo!

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story with me. The fear and pain we feel as mothers is just unlivable sometimes, but somehow going through it with other mothers makes it more bearable. Thank you so much for reaching out, it really means so much to me. Xo, M

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  6. Sending you love and prayers and strength to get through this sweet mama. I am so sorry you and your girls had to experience this x

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    1. Thank you so much, it means more than you know! M

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  7. Goodness, this is a terrifying story. I am crying while I read this. I am so incredibly grateful that you and your girls are ok! I can't imagine how tough it is for all of you right now. I pray that you all recover quickly and try to remember: Perfect love casts out all fear. Praying for you all this week!

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    1. Thank you so much for your prayers, they mean so much to me. M

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  8. So so thankful you are all ok! I urge you to all see a therapist to work through this so that it doesn't affect you all later. With all the stress in life these days it becomes compounded and anxiety can become a daily battle. Prayers for healing for you all!

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    1. Thank you so much, I appreciate your love and concern so much. You're so very kind. Xo, M

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  9. My husband and I took so mnsy breaks reading this! My heart broke for you and your sweet family. I know you will all get though this. Day by day. One day at a time. We love our children more than life itself and we would do anything to protect them. Your Momma Bear courage is so so SO incredibly humbling to is mothers. As a mom of 4 girls and wife to an EMT/Fireman, you never know when anything can happen. It's gods way maybe of showing us how lucky we are to have them. Or at least that's what I tell myself when tragedy strikes to try to sleep at night. Much love and prayers from my family to yours.

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    1. Ashley you're always so sweet, thank you so much!! I didn't know your husband was a fireman, that would make me so nervous! You're right though, it's all in God's hands. Thank you so much for reaching out, means so much. XoXo, M

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  10. Oh sweet Mama friend, my heart is hurting for what you've all been through. I always look forward to some Brown girls in my life each day and by Thursday it dawned on me that I hadn't seen you post anything for a bit. I checked your IG and noticed that I wasn't missing your posts or stories but rather that you were simply absent. And that's when I prayed. It just didn't seem like you, I knew something wasn't right and I prayed that something terrible hadn't happened. I actually almost messaged a few mutual friends to see if you were ok (I hope this doesn't make me seem crazy, I'm really not). Finally by Thursday evening I read your post. I was so so happy to read that you were all ok, but devastated and heartbroken by what I read. I literally wanted to get in my car and drive to you just so I could give you a big hug. I must have stopped a dozen times while reading your post, just to wipe my eyes or catch my breath and to actually process what it was that I had just read, truly, the unthinkable. I tried to comment last night but tears filled my eyes so much each time, I couldn't see the words I was typing. You, Sloan, Phayre and Eric have been on my mind ALL day long. I am certain that I squeezed and hugged and kissed my kids a little more today because of your story. I can't stop playing out your accident in my head, I can only imagine what it must be like for you and for Sloan and Phayre, whi actually lived it. You are such a strong and brave Mama and those babies are so blessed to have you. I pray that your sweet Sloany can soon erase those images from her head and that you too can move past this tragic accident and go back to the beautiful memories you are so good at creating with your babes!

    Hugs, prayers and loves,
    Kristina

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    1. Kristina, you are just so very kind. I am so appreciative of your love and concern for my family. We are wrapped in so much love and prayer right now, I am positive that we will heal and get back to normal. Thank you so much again, it means more than you know. XoXo, M

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  11. Mar isa,
    I hadn't seen your post on Instagram until a few minutes ago. So I quickly came to this page.
    I am so thankful that you and the girls are okay. Sloan will get better over time too. Maybe have her color or play with her dolls to get those feelings expressed. I know from experience that it helps when they are yoing. My children are now almost
    30 and 20. We have endured many struggles as they have grown up. My daughter was in numerous accidents...and lived! And we'll be celebrating her 30th birthday on the 26th. She has kept her angels pretty busy! And my son has had struggles too!
    God made moms very strong!!! As he did you. And your children's angels surely were there protecting them! Not to mention your own. Life is a series of ups and downs! Hang in there. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. And your angels will be there always.
    Mary

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  12. Seriously crying just reading your story!! I can't even imagine. I follow you and your adorable girls on instagram. My 3 year old and I slid off the road last year in a snow storm that got awful while we were running errands. It's so hard to help them cope with what happened since they don't know what caused it and why.. hope you guys are doing ok!

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  13. Have you read 'The Whole-Brain Child'? It has some wonderful strategies of dealing with children's difficult emotions - allowing them to accept & process situations and emotions in a healthy way. There is a example in the first chapter of toddler being in a car accident and how the family dealt with it. You cannot erase the memories of the accident, but you can help yourself and your children by being present with the difficult emotions it brings up, to fully express those emotions, and learn to let them go. To talk through them when needed, to breath through them, etc. Essentially a practice in mediation & mindfullness. It is unfortunate that life is unpredictable and full of struggle & suffering and so much of it is out of control (like your accident), what we can control is how we deal & learn from these experiences. You always have a choice - to focus & ruminate on the darker aspects of life or to notice them and let them go & instead focus on what brings you joy, what makes you feel alive, etc. I have long suffered from anxiety & OCD, and I know that you waste so much precious mental energy on all the 'what ifs' - essentially the future - when instead you should be trully present with yourself and your family in the moment that you have - right now. Hope your family finds healing & strength.

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